The Waltz of the Imposter Syndrome

I know this blog has been bare bones and sadly neglected since July. Sorry about that, but 2016 has kicked my butt (has anyone had a good 2016, seriously?) but I'm getting back on my feet at the moment. At the start of this month, I attended DragonCon, one of the largest conventions around. It's filled with people, costumes, food, and crowds as far as the eye can see. My favorite part of the convention is getting the chance to sit around with friends, and with writers I admire. We usually all end up in the bar at the Westin (insert some cliche about writers and drinking here) and a good time is had by all. Except when it isn't. 

This year, no matter how excited or happy I was to be there, I didn't feel like I belonged at this table with incredibly talented writers and editors. What the hell was I doing trying to have a conversation with someone with awards and dozens of books published? I had nothing to add to this conversation and no one wanted me to be there. Every doubt I'd ever had flared to life and buried me in silence and misery through most of the convention. I isolated myself, limited my time with people and generally flew under the radar with only the occasional reaching out to a few people. 

And all of this, all the doubts, panic, worry, and isolation are a song and dance I've rehearsed a thousand times. The waltz of the Imposter Syndrome plays in one, two, threes and I dance to the tune led by my own insecurities. This year it was amplified by the fact that I have written almost nothing this entire summer. I've barely edited and I've struggled to even finish projects I owed other people. Because of that, my worries of not being enough, of just being a bother no one actually likes, turned all the way to 11 and I almost didn't go back to DragonCon on Saturday or Sunday. 

Imposter Syndrome hits almost everyone I know, and it manifests itself in a myriad of ways, from the humble 'oh, that's no big deal. I just got lucky.' to the 'I can't do that. I'm not good enough." everyone has their own spot that causes the most pain. And the worst part of it is that no one else can save you from the dance you're trapped in. It doesn't matter if you hear 'Your work is amazing' or 'I'm so glad to see you!' a thousand times, your brain can rationalize those away as pleasantries expected from anyone, not sincere words. Instead, your brain latches on to the fact that everyone is talking among themselves and no one is speaking to you (because you are caught in your own mind and not joining a conversation). 

For me, I'm learning how to dance this terrible waltz and occasionally throwing in an extra step, an extra beat to throw off the rhythm of the all-consuming doubt. It may be something little, editing one page, reading an essay that makes me feel empowered, watching a pep talk (JUST DO IT) or sometimes it's as simple as going to bed early to make sure I have the energy to get up and try again. 

Creative work is hard because it is subjective, it's both private and public and forces you to examine yourself closely. When you see those dark, uncomfortable parts of yourself it's easy to start to doubt yourself, your work, and even your friends. The trick is to take the steps that you can and to not let guilt add onto the weight already slowing you down. Missing a day of writing does not mean you don't want it enough; it means you're tired and sometimes you need to be kind to yourself and rest. Writing is not the same for everyone. While I used to think you had to write every day (and that still works well for me most of the time), other people write best in short bursts. The important thing is not to constantly berate and doubt yourself because you're not doing what you "should be doing" to be a writer. 

This post may be a little rambling but it's something I needed to type out, to get my fingers back in the habit of moving, to remind myself that I can write, that I love telling stories whether anyone reads them or not. 

I'm still waltzing but now, I'm writing again too and damn that feels good even for an imposter.

Opinionated

For a long time I've been scared to have a strong opinion. I like to try to make everyone happy, and that means not disagreeing, not sharing things I agree or disagree with all because I want everyone, down to strangers on the internet to like me. It's meant that I keep quiet when I'm in situations that make me uncomfortable, when I see something that upsets me. It means I've kept my mouth shut when I needed to be speaking up. 

I've let people walk all over me. I've bent over backwards to help people who don't deserve it and I've watched friends fight battles alone because I was afraid of the reactions.

And I'm so tired of being afraid. Fear has become a small part of my life and I'm so over it.

So now every Friday I'm going to share an opinion piece. Looking forward to it! 

My Path to Publication

No writer has the same path to publication, and there is no right or wrong way to get published (aside from getting snagged up in a vanity press scam I'd say). 

My path to my first publication begins in college. As a student studying creative writing I submitted to my college's literary magazine and ultimately ended up with two poems and a short story accepted and published before I graduated. I can still remember the total rush with that very first acceptance letter that sent my heart pounding. I could hardly believe the words and wanted immediatly to feel it again. 

After I graduated, I kept submitting my work, but writing started to fall to the side as I struggled to find a job and a stable life outside of college. In 2011 I made a New Year's Resolution to focus more on my writing and decided to kick that off by attending a convention with what looked like a great set of panels about writing. In February I went to Connooga and attended almost every panel on writing. I met a lot of new friends and had an amazing time, learning and asking questions. 

I went to a few more conventions with writing tracks that year and eventually got brave enough to ask one of the writers I'd met, Sean Taylor, to read over my work. He enjoyed my short story enough to recommend me to Pro Se Productions, a publisher looking for writers for a new character, The Pulptress. I accepted and fell in love with the character, and the world of pulp writing. 

I learned a lot while working on my first story for The Pulptress collection. The biggest lesson was recovering from disastor when my drive corrupted and I lost 80% of my story and had to start over with the deadline on top of me. The editor, Tommy, worked closely with me on the story, and when the book came out I could hardly believe it was real. Me with my name in a book on Amazon!

Around this time I made the decision to hide on to graduate school for my MFA in Poetry. The Pulptress did well and I was approached about writing two standalone books about the characters I'd introduced. I couldn't say yes fast enough. Again I learned a lot of valuable lessons as I struggled to balance writing my first digest novel, The Bone Queen, with grad school. I dropped out of the MFA program and switched to an MA degree where I could spend more time researching. I got a dreadful stomach flu that knocked me out for nearly two weeks. Crisis hit, and I just barely turned in a draft ahead of the deadline. 

And boy it was a bad draft! 

Rather than tossing me out on my butt, Pro Se worked with me and together we came up with a digest novel I love. That digest novel wouldn't be what it is without all the time and effort Tommy put in with me and I'll always be insanely proud of it. The cover turned out incredible and for the first time, I really felt like an author. I sat on panels as a panelist. People asked me questions; people could buy my books at conventions. It was a dream come true. 

The next digest novel went smoother as I learned more about writing under a deadline. I finished grad school, got a new job, moved, and found a routine. I sent out short stories, and started working on more projects. By the time my next digest novel, The Pulptress versus The Bone Queen, came out I felt more confident as a writer and had started to figure out myself as a writer. 

Writing taught me a lot about myself, and a lot about how I operate. I've learned I'm tough and that I will do everything in my power to meet deadlines. I've learned how to take critiques and roll with them to make a better story. I'm still finding my voice, but I feel much more sure in it than I ever have before. While I've move into other genres, I'll always be thankful to the start the pulp, and Pro Se gave me. I wouldn't be the writer I am without the time working with some amazing editors and publishers. 

It seems appropriate starting a new year by looking back at where I've come from as a writer and I'm amazed at how far I've come since just 2011. It's only been 5 years but I feel like an entirely new person. 

Here's to seeing where 2016 takes my writing and my life! 

Happy New Year!

Me with the first copy of The Pulptress!

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The Productivity Ninja Lied To You

Sharing time! I'm obsessed with productivity tips and blogs. Articles like '7 Habits Only Happy People Have' and '12 Ways You Waste Time Every Day' devour my morning and leave me feeling productive even when I have literally just spent 3 hours on LifeHacker and have nothing to show for it but chapped lips, dry eyes and a lingering sense of guilt. 

While I love reading about these tips, it's just because it feels productive without me having to actually do anything hard. Reading an article? Psssha, that's easy work and a total time waster, but this article will teach me how to optimize my morning so I get everything done and become a productivity ninja! 

That's not to say that these articles don't share good advice or fun tidbits of information that make you feel great about yourself. (I mean, did you know that millionaires tend to smile a lot. I smile a lot, I'm totally on the way to being a millionaire since we have so much in common.) However, at some point it's time to stop with the fun articles and buckle up for a ride. 

Accomplishing things sucks sometimes. Even things you're excited about can be hard to motivate yourself for. I love the novel I'm working on but some days the last thing in the world I want to do is park my cute, little butt in a chair and sit (or stand) at my desk to write. I love the story, the characters, everything, but UGH WHY CANNOT I TELEPATH MY STORY INTO PEOPLE'S HEADS?

But the work is necessary. There are some ways that might make it easier. For example, setting a timer and racing to see how many words I can type in 25 minutes (My best record was 2,003 whoo!) gets me typing and having fun. Some days though, that just doesn't work. I sit at my computer for an hour and type three words and ignore the timer. 

It's a matter of working with myself and knowing that sitting down to work is the only way this project will get done. So yeah, I might pop on Facebook or Twitter or Tumblr or the whole of the Interwebs, but eventually I fall back into my work because I know I have to or it won't happen. A simple motivation? Maybe, but it's the one that stays constant. 

I still dream of being a productivity ninja who talks about how I rise at 5am to go on a 6-mile run before having a kale smoothie and meditating for twenty minutes, but I don't think I ever will be. And I'm totally okay with that. But what I can do is work with what I am, which is a procrastinating over-achiever who wants to live in a Real Simple magazine but would only break everything I touched there. 

And that's okay because who wants a kale smoothie anyways? 

Dear Future Me...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FUTURE ME! 

I'm writing this to you from 2014 and scheduling it to appear on your 2015 birthday, isn't technology great? 

Hopefully there hasn't been a tragic accident and you get to read this. If not, I love you everyone reading this. 

2014 was a great year, huh? But I'm willing to bet that by your 2015 birthday, things are even greater. 

I hope you're still writing and busting your butt to reach your dreams. Maybe you've landed an agent and a cool book deal by now, but if not, that's alright too. I just hope you're keeping at it and working hard. 

Are you still thinking about getting a pet? Maybe now's the time to just do it and get a furry little friend to have around to keep you company. I hope you're also doing better at taking care of yourself and not just eating mac and cheese all the time (though mac and cheese is awesome). 

Are you still planning to go to San Diego Comic Con? Have you bought a house? 

It's weird to think that so much can change in a year, but I bet a lot has shifted since 2014. You're another year older, (maybe) wiser, and another year closer to your goals! 

Here's to you kicking butt in the future!

Happy birthday! 

2014 Andrea